Faith and Doubt

"Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but by working side by side to take us around the unknown curve."
~Lillian Smith (American writer, 1897-1966)

I just finished reading Robert Millet's April 27th BYU-H devotional address in which he discusses what he's learned from his own and other's experiences with doubt, despair, faith, fortitude and decision. I recommend it, particularly his references to John, chapter 6, and the words of Mother Teresa, David Steinmetz, Orson Pratt and Neal Andersen.

You can read it here.

Lessons from a Sojourn Spent Camping on a Sunny Island

1. It is happier to choose to do than to feel that one must do.

2. Watch the beauty.

3. Less stuff to take care of = more time to observe the beauty.

4. Fewer obligations (self-imposed or other-imposed) = more time to listen and to help.

5. Sunscreen and bugspray are helpful.

6. Find time for sunshine and exercise every possible day.

7. Make sure your perspective on life includes the natural world.

Modern Idolatry

"We don't build golden calves anymore, but we do carve out a pan of brownies and say, 'Oh pan of brownies, you calm my nerves.' Or, 'Oh pan of brownies, you ease my pain. Oh brownies, you help me forget my troubles.'" ~ Gwen Shamblin, Rising Above the Magnetic Pull of the Refrigerator

The Purpose of the Task is to Strengthen the Relationship

I have been reading and re-reading Boyd Packer’s conference address. Some have found it troubling, but I think that is simply because they were expecting certain issues to be addressed and they were not and they feel keenly that disappointment.

But if you read it as it is intended, a call to a higher vision of service and care to the men of the church, there are some good principles worth noting

1. The story of Gideon; a call for each of us to avoid complacency and to be alert and ready to listen and serve in our respective callings and responsibilities. It is far too easy to just go with the program and neither be prepared for nor hear God's vision of the work you are called to do.

2. A distinction between authority, which comes with ordination, and power, which comes through abiding in Christ and acting as he would. There are way too many with authority but without power.

3. A clarification of what all the organizations in the church are supposed to be doing TOGETHER, strengthening and nurturing and helping families and individuals live together in love, NOT running programs or just getting things done. We have so very, very far to go in helping ward leaders catch this vision and getting them to work well together.

4. A clear message that the ordinances are not the purpose of priesthood work. Eternal life with all its celestial relationships in the presence of God is the purpose. Getting the ordinances done is secondary to enabling loving relationships and familial service.

To Cheer and to Bless

Simeon and Anna by Rembrandt van Rijn

A couple of weeks ago L. got a call from a friend, T. asking if he would be available that morning to go to the hospital with him to give a child a blessing. Dear friends of their family, members of another faith, had a child with a terminal illness who was there and they had been touched and open to T. and his wife’s offer of a priesthood blessing. L. said sure and about half an hour later T. and his wife, J. came by to pick him up for that. He came home an hour or so later, moved by the experience and grateful to have been asked to assist.

Later that week I was listening to another conversation about women and the priesthood. There were the usual ideas as to why just men hold it now on the part of some, the usual confusion combined with some angst and frustration on the part of others, and the usual questions without definite answers. I mostly listened. I feel like we don’t know why men have the priesthood and women don’t right now. I understand why people try to make educated guesses or theories as to why it is the way it is. It’s human nature to seek for reasons. And as usual with human nature, it’s flawed. I am also certain that the genderized status of priesthood holding that exists now is not an eternal state. And I understand my sisters’ confusion and irritation, but feel none personally, so I mostly just listen.

Subsequently I attended a meeting in which a general authority said he thought that women didn’t hold the priesthood because they don’t need it. That is one of the more commonly expressed theories, and though I was pretty sure it is not the real reason (no Spirit testifying), I could understand why he would think that way. Such things do not bother me. I lived as a teenager in the 1960s and 70s and heard all kinds of theories over various pulpits about why people of African descent did not hold priesthood in our church and later heard Bruce McConkie (one of the more adamant theorizers) thoroughly retract his erroneous theorizing and recognize it as such in 1978. I figure that history repeats itself and will continue to do so.

I began thinking about stories I had read in an article that covered the history of women giving blessing in earlier church history. I wondered what it would be like if women in our church held the priesthood now. It occurred to me that if the sisters in my Relief Society were given priesthood and the responsibility to bless, things might be a bit different. In such a situation, if a sister in my ward called upon me for a blessing one morning, who would I call to come give that with me? Probably not my husband. His work commitments make it difficult for him to leave in the middle of the day. Certainly not any of the other men in our ward. That would feel awkward and slightly inappropriate in current culture. I’d call on another sister. I think most women would.

What if women were giving blessings? What percentage of the women in my ward would start calling on sisters for blessings, making them the first ones turned to? Probably a significant percentage, if not an outright large majority. Women are often more comfortable with women. Men on the other hand, are usually more comfortable with men. We would likely see fewer interactions between the sexes when it came to blessings.

I shared my musings with L. He thought about the blessing he had been able to participate in at the hospital a few weeks before. If there had been two women with priesthood there, he says, he is absolutely sure that the two men would have bowed out and politely suggested to the women that they perform the blessing. No question. I wonder if that would not be happening all over on a large scale; thoughtful men, selflessly or with a sense of relief, passing along the opportunity to bless.

But then (and this is what struck me) he said that he had been thinking about watching T. and his wife, J. at the hospital. J. had been the one to touch the father, embrace the mother and articulate lovingly the words of comfort and friendship and peace to them. He and T., he said, stood solemnly and carefully and gently performed the ordinance, but neither of them had the skills J. used to comfort and bless. He said it was enlightening to watch T. and J. use their gifts in tandem to bless that family and how it united the two of them. The power of both together was far more than the sum of the two independently.

I think we don’t often see those gifts in tandem in the same room at the same time. Sisters and brothers tend to do their godly work separately. Because we are humans in a telestial world, we tend, even the most enlightened of us, to place more value on the work that the men are doing, even though we give lip service to both, which is part (by no means all, I admit) of the reason that this division of labor feels so unfair to some. In the good scenarios of church work we see men and women in the church counsel together and keep each other appraised of their work. In the best scenarios they work totally in synch, as one. Way too often most of the work of one group is done independent of the other, with occasional calendaring involved.

I do not offer these observations as “the reason why” women do not currently hold the priesthood. I don’t know why and will not pretend to. Nor do I think this is "the reason". But these experiences have reminded me of God’s commandments that we work together as one, not just with those who have the same gifts we do, but also with those whose gifts are different. (1st Corinthians 12) And I have a bit of a better view of why that working together in unity is important to Him.

What I learned this year

http://forsakingthekingdom.blogspot.com

General and Personal Revelation

I thought this was a thoughtful articulation of the role of both in our lives.

Things of My Soul: General vs. Personal Revelation: An Insightful Distinction

Being personally responsible for my own responses

Let’s say that you invite me to go on a long run with you and I do so, even though I don’t run regularly, have sky high blood pressure, regularly eat fatty food, am 100 pounds overweight and am a closet smoker. After awhile I’m exhausted but my pride keeps me going and you encourage me and at about mile three I keel over with a heart attack. As I talk to my husband the next day from my hospital bed, I blame it all on you for inviting me to run with you.

Did you cause my heart attack? Ridiculous. It was my years of smoking, lack of exercise, pride, diet and obesity as well as my choice to engage in the running with you that caused the attack. I was a heart attack waiting to happen. You just gave me an opportunity to have it.

In a similar way, the regular, ordinary people with whom I interact each day may affect the way I feel at any given moment, but their contribution to that is minor. The bulk of the way I feel when I am feeling angry or hurt or frustrated or annoyed or inadequate in a relationship is due to my lifetime of events and feelings and/or my current physical/emotional state, not the person with whom I am interacting. As a matter of fact, if I’m bad enough off, the person may do absolutely nothing and I’ll still respond badly. (Really embarrassing.)

Similarly feeling love and peace, and expressing those things, are also hugely dependent not upon the regular, ordinary people with whom I am interacting (be they acting “loveable” or not), but rather upon my choices (some past, all present) and my ability to tap into and channel God’s love.

Jacob’s words come to mind: “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.”

It is true that it is God’s grace that makes up for our imperfections and sins and lack of ability throughout our lives. And it is also, I am convinced, what makes it possible for us to fully love as he does, which is essential to salvation. Reconciliation with Him, that sense of understanding and connection with Him, enables that grace of loving, I think.

Not that I've got that down, by any means. But it seems to be worth trying to embrace.

Some things are still true.

Maria Edgeworth 1767-1849

"You surprise me doctor", said lady Delacour; "for I assure you that you have the character of being very liberal in your opinions."

"I hope I am liberal in my opinions," replied the doctor, "and that I hope to give your ladyship proof of it."

"You would not then persecute a man or woman with ridicule for believing more than you do?" said lady Delacour.

"Those who persecute, to overturn religion, can scarcely pretend to more philosophy, or more liberality, than those who persecute to support it," said Dr. X--

From "Belinda", published in 1801

Submit yourselves therefore unto God. (James 4:7)

The word “submit” as it is translated in the KJV New Testament has an interesting meaning, different from the one we give that word in modern usage. Verses there tell us to “submit” to God and to each other (See also Romans 10:3 and Ephesians 5:21, etc.). The word is most commonly a translation of one form or another of the Greek word “hupotassomai”, which is “to have a voluntary attitude of being responsive to the needs of others”. In other words, it is coming to a state of being where you choose to listen and respond to the thoughts and understanding of another as much as you do your own. It’s an action born of unselfish respect and love for other. Jesus’ loving “submission” to the will of the Father throughout his life was the ultimate example of this.
It may be an easier thing to do when life is going well, but one of the biggest challenges we face when we are hurt and hurting is that of being so overwhelmed by what we are feeling that we are unable to stop our minds from going over and over and over it again and again. That’s normal. And also, that constant self-conversation makes hearing and paying kind heed to anyone else’s thoughts, including God’s, very difficult. And I’m sure he understands that and takes that into consideration.
Personally, in difficult times, it is only after I have been able to get far enough along in a sorrow that I can get my mind to start to shut up a little about the injustices or pain I feel, that I am able to begin to emerge and really hear and engage in hupotassomai to my fellow human beings or to God without filtering everything they say or need through my own personal pain. It takes some time to get there. It is a process of emerging and seeing self and others more clearly and lovingly apart from my pain. (Whereas the modern meaning would imply that I was to acquiesce to the will of others without argument while still fully consumed by my sorrow or pain. Very different.)
Anyway, understanding the difference between the modern and Greek meanings of the word makes a difference for me.

Jared's barges

An interesting way to envision them:

And the disciples rebuked them...

But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Usually when we talk about that scripture we talk about how we must become childlike in order to enter the kingdom of God. But I think there’s another piece here. The disciples were feeling annoyed at the interruption of unpredictable and intrinsically distracting and wiggly children. Little children are not the most sober, quiet, cooperative or reasonable people to have around. (I understand that. We have about 40 of them, under the age of 4, in our sacrament meeting each Sunday and it’s hard to focus or hear sometimes, no, often.) But Jesus is saying that they, like every other distracting or difficult person who seeks God, are part of the kingdom of God. To be worthy of membership in the kingdom of God we must learn to live peaceably and charitably, and at peace with the people in the group that we are more likely to find annoying. He is telling his disciples that he is requiring that they (and we) see and love and be patient with people in our congregations who are difficult for us to spend time with due to their youth, their senility, their illness, their disabilities, their troubles or their oddities. That’s not always easy. Fortunately, as you know, Moroni pointed out that charity is a gift we can pray to receive. We can actually ask to be given the gift to respond wisely with charity towards and actually love those we find are difficult to be patient with. The gift may come slowly as we go through a learning process and may take time but it does come. It’s quite remarkable.

I certainly took our children out to listen elsewhere when they were small and squawky and remember years of not hearing much due to their wiggles and whispered interactions in the chapel. But it was worth the time spent, and it behooves me to to peacefully allow other young families the blessings we received because of those years of attendance.

So that’s what’s been on my mind today.

Thankful for the blessing of a very good father.

What a wonder he has been in my life. Thank you, Dad.

So many books. So little time to read.

Today I perched myself on a chair in the livingroom to eat my sandwich and suddenly realized that I was doing so simply because the kitchen and diningroom tables were too covered with books and papers to make a comfortable space for lunch.

I'd like to believe that it is just a manifestation of my literary and academic bent. But I think it is more likely a commentary on my housekeeping skills.

Time for some spring tidying up.

While preparing a Primary Easter Sunday lesson

The request of the mother of Zebedee's sons, Jerome Nadal, S.J., 1507-1580
And Jesus going up to Jerusalem took the twelve disciples apart in the way, and said unto them, "Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man will be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death, and shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him; and the third day he shall rise again."
Then came to him the mother of Zebedee's children with her sons, worshipping him, and desiring a certain thing of him. And he said unto her, "What wilt thou?" She sayeth unto him, "Grant that these two sons may sit, the one on they right hand, and the other on the left, in thy kingdom."

It struck me as I read this; here Jesus has outlined the horrendous things he will go through for us and the incomprehensibly wonderful gift of resurrection that he will provide for us and the first thing after that is a request by an anxious mother about his future approbation and recognition of her sons. Is it because I saw myself in her that this verse stopped me in my tracks?

How often do I blithely skim over the overwhelming gifts of resurrection, justification, sanctification, and forgiveness that Jesus offers me, or how hugely different eternity for me is because of that, and instead just focus on whether I or my loved ones are being good or being recognized as good by him. How short-sighted I can be.

It's not about me. It's about HIM. When I stop to think about what he did and how that changes all that's possible or what my future would be without what he did, I am appalled at my self-focus and the insufficiency of my gratitude and awe.

Trainers, back in February

I like looking at the expressions on their faces as they contemplate what's next.

Agency, Truth and Love at Christmas

I remember when I was 4  years old asking my father if Santa was real.  “Santa is people who love you,” he said with a smile.  

 “Noooooo!  He’s the guy who brings you presents on Christmas!” my little brother and I exclaimed, and ran to mom for reinforcements.

 Mom asked what dad had said and, when we explained, she said she thought he was right.  Appalled, we raced back to our dad and tried for the next 10 minutes to bully him into admitting we were right.  He simply smiled and pleasantly stuck to his story as he would for the next 35 years as he raised children.  We gave up on him.  And a few days later, under the tree, sure enough, there were presents from Santa.

 Every Christmas to this day we have received presents from Santa.  What I realized later is that my dad had given us the gift of choosing when we would transition from delightful engagement in the Santa story to the even sweeter story of being given gifts by those who love us.  My siblings and I could indulge in Santa imaginings for as long as we liked (which we continued to do for years)  and could choose to transition out of that at our own pace in our own time.

 My father was always big on allowing his children to choose and also big on letting them know they were loved.  I didn’t realize until years later how deftly he had incorporated both of these things into his Santa story.  And it took me awhile to see how he had helped our eventual transition not be one of belief to unbelief, but rather to one of belief in something good to belief in something familiar and even better.

Be not afraid, only believe.

In the last General Conference, Neal Anderson said, "Fear and faith cannot exist in our hearts at the same time," and quoted Jesus' words to Jairus in Mark 5:36, "Be not afraid, only believe."

Since fear is a part of my human experience this statement is a bit disconcerting.  I consider myself a person of faith, but fear is something I experience.  What does that say about my faith?

Looking at the story of Jairus what was he afraid of?  At what point does Jesus say 'be not afraid, only believe?"

Jairus had gone to find Jesus to plead with him to come and heal his dying daughter.  They are delayed by Jesus' stop to minister to the woman with the issue of blood who had reached out to touch his robe and now, as they approach Jairus house, people come from the house to inform them that the daughter has died.  That is the point at which Jesus makes this statement to Jairus.

What does Jairus fear at that moment?  That he is too late? That he has failed his family?  The experience of losing this daughter who he loves so much? The challenge of going through such a horrificly sorrowful experience?    Fear of one's own failure to be able to do the good that one knows is so needed and fear of calamity befalling one's loved ones are very understandable and common fears.  Is there something about these two types of fear that makes them particularly conquerable by the application of faith?  

When I fear due to my own inadequacies can I not reduce that fear by placing my trust in the Lord to be able to make up for them if not immediately, then in the long run?  I can trust his grace which reduces my fear of the outcome of my failing to do all that needs doing.

When I fear calamity befalling those I love I can trust his ability to sustain them and me as we struggle through the aftermath.  It does not make the sorrow less intense, but it does make it more bearable and less nightmarish.

I will still fear.  Timidity, caution, and a sober sense of my own ineptitudes  are part of my personality that are not going to be changed any time soon.  But I think that what Jesus is saying is that, at least at times when we experience these two kinds of fear, faith in him and his ability to heal do much to sustain us and enable us to go forward with hope.

a.m.a.a.w.w.i.t.r.a.a.y.b.n. part 5

So, if

receiving loving, accepting, peaceful, inviting trustworthy interaction, motivated by real love is what reassures us and enables us to respond to others with real love

and

we wish to become people who can give that gift to others

and

other “sort of like love” expressions, though helpful, do not endure,

and

Jesus is the master of that kind of real love such that when we encounter it from him it not only empowers us to love but also moves us and leaves us profoundly affected for a long time,

can you see what he might be talking about when he told his disciples

“I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit...As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.”?

So the best question to ask myself, as I seek to create loving, empowering, enduring, joyful relationships is, how do you become a person who abides in him: who continues in his love? For that is what will ultimately empower me to love the way I desire to love.

a.m.a.a.w.w.i.t.r.a.a.y.b.n. part 4

Baer, in his book, declares that when we do not feel fully loved, we seek other things from our beloved that are sort of like love.  For example, we might feel a real need for praise (compliments, recognition, appreciation) from our beloved or we might try to create a sense of control in the relationship (power) or we might hunger for touch or physical pleasure to reassure us of our being loved.   Or we might seek a sense of safety and protection or reassurance in our relationship.  All of these are not love itself.  We seek them as an indication that we are loved.  We see them as the outward manifestations of something much deeper.

But outward manifestations are not the real thing.  And experiencing the trappings of love is not the same as  experiencing love itself.  

Not only that, but often we misread our longing for love as a longing for one of those "sort of like love" things and we talk about needing certain types of love languages, or gifts or behaviors from our beloved in order to be reassured that we actually are loved.   Our relationship can easily become one where we are simply focusing on trying to learn how to fulfill our partner's "sort of like love" needs, and getting frustrated or discouraged when ours are threatened or insufficiently supplied.  Certainly, trying to supply another's "sort of like love" needs is a considerate, unselfish thing to do.  It can be very helpful and kind and I don't advocate discontinuing the practice.  But in seeking to love and feel loved, we need to distinguish between real love and "sort of like love" practices.  The latter will wax and wane due to our imperfections and the very human nature of our beloved, fluctuating with our abilities, capacities, stress levels, congniscence, presence or absence over the months and years.   And if we depend or focus only on them  we set ourselves up for disappointment or resignation during those waning times.  And sometimes our anxiety about waning even prevents us from appreciating the waxing times.

"Sort of like love" sorts of things (praise, a sense of power or control, pleasure or reassurance, etc.) though pleasant, are not the essence of warm, welcoming, unconditional love .  They are temporary.  Whether we are giving them or seeking them, they are not the real thing and should not be confused with it.  For me this sheds a little more light on the verse found in 2nd Corinthians:

Charity never faileth but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.