Today:
"He went about doing good". Acts 10:38
He "went about".
One thing that prevents me from doing this as well as I would like in any new environment is too much self-awareness and/or a cognizance of my irreparable lack of required skills. I continue to proximate such a "going about doing good" life as best I can in new situations, and I can orient myself to God's love and talk myself up a few minutes ahead of time to make it so that it looks, to others, like going about doing good with love comes somewhat easily to me, but in the small daily efforts of interaction with others with whom I am not intimately acquainted, it takes far more effort than I think it should at this stage of my life. I'd really like to not have to keep beating down these hurdles EVERY SINGLE TIME .
I'd like to be transformed in one fell swoop and have it be permanent.
But maybe that's the easy way out.
In the meantime I'll try to remember, more often, to have the courage and faith start my day honestly praying for the pure love of Christ when I feel like I'd really rather just stay and work at home.
2 comments:
I generally count my self-awareness as a blessing, but there are times when it becomes so absolutely frustrating (because it feels debilitating) that I count it as the exact opposite. I've found that I do best when I'm just thrown into a situation. My brain doesn't have time to get in the way of what my heart really wants to do. A few weeks ago I was asked to read a poem in front of the school at the assembly we had today. I fretted over that silly, simple little task for two weeks - what poem, how could I make it most meaningful to the audience, should I pick something safe like Shel Silverstein or expose them to a new poet, would my hand be shaky while holding the mic, etc.? It would have been very different if one minute before assembly started they would have asked me to pick a poem to read - I would have instantly gone with my gut and not had time to worry about every possible outcome of the situation. I've actually felt this a lot since going back to work. New environment, am I really as qualified as I'd like to be - as everyone thinks I am? Am I doing it "right"? All the while, I find that my default wish is to be at home doing yoga. :) I'm a perfectionist who practices the art of avoidance. I really wish there was a magic cure to self-awareness, but for now, I'm going to try reminding myself that my life is in this place and this moment with these people for a reason. "Getting over myself and getting to work" is a simplified version of what I'm aiming for, whether it's in a situation where I'm reading a poem in front of 500 people in a community I'm still getting to know, or worrying about individual interactions when I know I'm not good at small talk. I always feel good after I've started or gotten through something (with the exception of all the time I spend second guessing myself after something is over), but the fret and worry I have to work through to even begin is seriously getting old.
Yes.
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